Foolishjem

Ask Me シ   Randomness of my thoughts.....  I’m introvert, always daydreaming, and weird. I’m a Book-lover. I like Manga and Anime especially the comedy-fantasy-romance or the comedy-drama-romance genre. I also like watching Korean dramas. I love the 2pm, 2am, Miss A and the JYP Entertainment. . I’m also a pet-lover. I have 5 cats and 2 dogs. Sometimes I write poems when I’m bored. I love the rain (I like watching it) It made me calm. “Who I am... in the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love and watch me rise again.”  

twitter.com/gjemzy:

    Disappointment and Moving ON.

    I asked the Lord for a sign. Kahit isang beses lang magkaroon kami ng chance na magka-chat ng bestfriend ko, mag-i-Iglesia ako. Kasi parang tinatawag na ko dahil sobrang lapit na sakin. My wish was granted. But granting my wish only led in to knowing something in the past which I find so hard to believe. He confirmed.

    I couldn’t believe na kasali pala siya sa grupo na nagpahirap ng buong high school life ko. Ang “tsibugan”. Na kaya pala nung lumapit ako sa kanya para maglabas man lang ng sama ng loob, para huminga man lang kasi punong puno na ko sa mga ginagawa nila sakin, eto lang yung sagot niya -> “Galit ka lang sa mga mas magaganda sayo”

    Least of all, siya pa. Naniwala siya sa mga taong walang ginawa kundi irapan ako, paringgan, magpakalat ng mga walang kwentang balita about sakin, bansagan akong “simpleng malandi”. Dun pa siya sa grupong yun sumama. 

    Nuon, akala ko lang, ayaw niya lang ng gulo kaya wala siyang ginagawa para protektahan ako. Pero confirmed! Isa pala siya dun.

    No wonder,  ang cheap ng tingin niya sakin.

    Kung paano niya ko biruin na sa isang cybersite ako nagwowork at piso lang ang halaga ko at lugi pa ang makakahanap sakin pagdating sa pamasahe.

    Alam niya kaya na behind every joke, there’s a little bit of truth? 

    The whole 10 days na magka-chat kami, I learned and knew few things about the past. And it hurts me even more.

    Sometimes I wish na sana nanatili na lang kaming grade 6.

    Puting puti talaga siya. Puti at itim lang ang meron siya. walang gray, blue or any other color. Kumbaga, tama at mali lang ang meron siya. Kung tama, tama. Kung mali, mali. Hindi pwede ang reasons.

    Hindi niya tinitingnan maigi. Basta kung ano lang ang nakita niya. Iyon lang.

    Nag-flash back sakin ang lahat habang magka-chat kami.

    I didn’t mean to fall in love but I did. Nung na-realize ko na, iniiwasan na ko. I tried to know why and I tried to fix things, pero wala. Umabot pa sa point na gumawa ako ng paraan maka-partner lang siya sa mga report, pero wala. Naiwan akong nag-iisa.

    Parang ganito lang.

                                            

    To move on, naghanap ako ng ibang friends. And for the first time nung mga time na yun, may isang taong handang makinig sakin. Naging praktikal ako. HIndi ako mahal ng mahal ko pero may taong handang mahalin ako.

    Naging kami, pero after one week pagkatapos ko siyang sagutin, nalaman ko na pinagsabay niya kami ligawan ng isa sa mga member ng tsibugan. Nauna lang ako sa pagsagot sa kanya. We both tried naman to make the relationship work kaso na-soffucate ako dahil masyado siyang naging dependent and obsess. Lagi niyang sinasabi na magpapakamatay siya kapag iniwan ko siya umabot pa sa point na sinabi nyang mapapatay niya ko kapagnakita niya kong may iba. In addition, hindi rin ako gusto ng family niya. HIndi rin naging maganda yung resulta.

    Back to the present.

    Now, I am trying my best to move forward. Leaving everything else behind. Stay focus on my goals. Improving myself to become better.

    Bahala na po si Lord sa iba pa.

    — 3 days ago
    ^.^

    OK. I was nervous. It was a long line. But thanks to Mrs. Canta for being my instant companion and also, to this cute guy (whatever-his-name) sitting next to me. We were waiting for 4 hours, but we passed the time joking and laughing to shake off our nervousness. It was a fine day getting to know strangers.

    — 3 months ago
    Sometimes You Find yourself in the book.

    I’ve read “The Parker Grey Show” book.

    And I love it. The book is brilliant and inspiring. I learned some bastardize philosophy from Lil and a little creativity from Parker. 

    Sometimes I saw myself in the character of Parker. Like every bookworm’s said, “Sometimes you find yourself in the book.” True. It was never written for me, it was not my story, it was all fictional, but I saw myself in it.

    I also lie like her and pretend that I’m someone else. In my elementary days? I lied to my friends that I could see fairies and that I could talk to them and they believed me. They even followed me. Funny.  

    I also believed that I’m a different person residing in a body. That the body isn’t mine. I did this when I’m in trouble. I also did this when my teacher scolded me. My mantra? “This is not you, they see no you, they see somebody’s body, don’t worry. This is not you.” Then I felt fine.

    I also pretend that I am a different person. I did this on my second year high. I got tired from being quiet and shy girl (introvert), so I decided that I would try to be fun and outgoing, to try to have a group of friends, which backfired. People didn’t like the change. My boyfriend thought I was fun and outgoing, he asked me questions and even thought that I’m mad when I’m being me, quiet, just sitting and enjoying the silence. But honestly, I was just tired from being who I was not.

    In this, I remembered Trudy’s words from the book, ”That’s what you do wrong. You try to be someone else, and then you end up distorting yourself. That’s what happened with your last boyfriend. You were trying to be someone else. From the get-go, you were trying to be what you thought he wanted you to be, instead of just being who you are.”

    I also felt that I have something that I needed to find but I don’t know what it is. Like I needed to find me.

    And like Parker, I also have words in my head, one word, two words, and phrases. All are just words and phrases but no complete thought. One time I wrote them down on my notebook but they didn’t make any sense. They were just words sewn together. They didn’t even look like a poem to me.

    But unlike Parker, I didn’t have the gift.

    But unlike Parker, I couldn’t find what I’m looking for. Yet.

    — 4 months ago with 1 note
    Somewhere out there - Unrecognizable

    I need some change of scene.

    Deep within, I know there is something I needed to find but I don’t know what it is. I need some air. I need some space to breathe. I’m stuck. I don’t know where to go. I needed something new. I want something fresh. I need change.

    This kind of feelings… like I need to find my soul.

    — 4 months ago
    Moving On

    Now I decided,

    I will try to ignore

    I will try to move on

    Maybe it was all there is to it

    Maybe this is the end

    For my hope,

    For my dream,

    To finally have a happy ending with you

    Our journey ends here.

    ——————————————————————————

    *an excerpt from = “answer to a birthday letter received 8 years ago”

    — 5 months ago
    Disappointed

    Since High school disappointed ako sa kanya.

    Disappointed ako kasi pinili niyang paniwalaan yung mga bagay na nakikita niya nuon highschool, kesa itanong sa akin kung bakit, paano at ano ang totoo.

    At yung hindi ko matanggap ay yung sinabi niya na: “Galit kasi yan sa mas maganda sa kanya!”

    Grabehan, ganun yung attitude ko kasi nabu-bully ako. Galit ako kasi nabu-bully ako ng patago and I was fighting back openly kaya nagfire-back sakin at ako yung lumabas na masama.

    Disappointed ako kasi mag-best friend kami pero nasabi niya yun without asking me kung bakit at ano ba talaga yung totoo. Naiwan ako. HIndi ko man lang naipagtanggol ang sarili ko.

    Disappointed ako dahil naniwala siya sa kubng ano yung nakikita niya sakin nung highschool. Inisip na niya agad at pinabayaan ako kaya No Choice ako.

    Nanatili ako sa isang sitwasyon at relasyon na sobrang ikinalito ko pero walang choice kasi walang ibang kakampi kundi iyon at walang ibang poprotekta sakin kundi iyon.

    Hindi ako galit  kasi hindi ko naman magawang magalit sa kanya, disappointed lang talaga.

    — 5 months ago